I really want to help, just tell me what to do

Think about the number of times you've heard these questions from your partner:

"Hey honey, what do we need from the store?" 

"I really want to help, just tell me what to do" 

"Are we free next weekend?"

Now think about how often you say to yourself: 

"Well I have to think about what meals we are having this week before we go to the store" 

"Am I crazy or is making the to-do list harder than actually doing the to-do list?" 

"I don't want to nag him about unloading the dishwasher, I want him to just know that it needs done" 

"I've already told you our plans once, why don't you remember these things? I have to keep it in my head - you should too"

The phenomenon you are experiencing in these moments is defined as cognitive labor. 

In a 2019 study published in American Sociological Review, Allison Daminger described cognitive labor as being distinctly different than physical labor ie washing dishes, folding laundry, cooking meals and emotional labor ie managing feelings, emotions, and experiences of family members. She argues that it has not been accounted for in most studies of household labor as it does not fit into those categories. 

You aren’t crazy. You likely ARE doing more work than anyone realizes. It’s a very real thing. But it’s happening in your brain, where no one else can see it.

To help us understand this concept, she breaks down cognitive labor into four main parts. We’ve added examples to translate what this might look like in your life.  

1. Anticipating needs: recognizing a need, possible problem, or opportunity is on the horizon

"Jason's birthday is next month, I need to get a gift"

"What do we want for dinners this week? I need to check the pantry to see what we need. Sarah needs high-fiber and high-protein snacks"  

"Jace is going to need new boots soon - what size will he need this year? There's a sale at Costco this week"

2. Identifying options: create possible alternatives to meet those needs, solve those problems, or take advantage of those opportunities 

"We could do a gift card for his favorite restaurant, get him tickets to a concert, or buy him something practical” followed by the inevitable "Let me look on Amazon, Target, and anywhere Google sends me, read the reviews, compare costs"

"We should do plant-based for 3 meals and lean proteins for 3 meals. If I buy that cheese I need to think of another meal that uses it before it molds. Aldi is cheaper for most  ingredients, but they won't have the sauce so I have to go to Trader Joe's" 

"North Face shoes are more expensive but usually worth it. Which store is on my way home from work?" 

3. Making decisions: which of the options you gathered is the winner? 

"I'm going to buy the gift card because I know he's going to love going there with his wife. Let's go with the size medium in case it shrinks in the dryer" 

"I'm going to go to Giant Eagle on Tuesday after my dentist appointment because it's close by and then go to Trader Joe's before we make curry on Wednesday"

"Let's get the cheaper boots from TJ Maxx because he will need a new pair next year anyway" 

4. Monitoring and evaluating the decision: ensure that your choice met the needs of your family, satisfied the problem, and will continue to work in the future 

"Did he like the gift? Will he actually use it? Let's get him something similar or different next year" 

"Did the meal satisfy everyone's taste and nutritional needs? Would going to Trader Joe's first save more time?"

"Are the boots still holding up a month later? Do they match most of his outfits?"

Daminger conducted extensive interviews with 35 couples to further explore how cognitive labor is shared among members of a household. Her results showed that women complete a disproportionately higher portion of the "anticipation" and "monitoring" tasks than men in cisgender, different-sex partnerships. 

These tasks in particular are the most inflexible, frequent, and “labor” intensive. They are nearly always time-sensitive and must be completed on a regular or daily basis. 

However, they also carry the least amount of power and are mostly invisible. They occur in your head and do not produce a physical product (ie a clean kitchen counter) to the outside observer. 

This may be why you feel like you’re working in overdrive 24/7, but nobody around you notices. 

The "identification of options" and "decision making" categories were more likely to be shared between partners. Why? It carries the greatest amount of power and influence while also being the most visible. You can see the options you gathered from your research and you have an actual conversation to make the decision ie visible outcomes.

Cognitive labor is what makes you the "project manager" that runs your family’s home. You conceptualize, plan, and coordinate every detail - just as would be expected of a project manager executing an outcome in the workplace. 

If your home is an iPhone, you are the iOS constantly running in the background. Checking information, scheduling events, taking requests, making reminders, providing the latest updates, managing battery power, not to mention being a constant Siri in your responsibility for the endless “Hey Mom, where’s my coat?”. 

You often may not even recognize the amount or importance of cognitive work that you do because it’s a habit for you. You may complete these thought patterns without active awareness or fail to give yourself credit for the important role they play in your family’s life. 

Unsurprisingly, this “thinking work” is likely a source of hidden stress, anxiety, and exhaustion for you as well [2]. It may be why your life feels like the perpetual “hamster wheel” of chaos, but you lacked the words to explain it until now. 

Your "invisible" labor is invaluable, essential, and usually unrecognized. 

But we see you. 

We recognize that “cognitive labor” often feels a lot more like “cognitive burden”. 

So we are working to develop solutions to help you manage this labor more effectively. If reading this has made you think of your cognitive labor differently or you’d like to share any ideas or suggestions for what would help you, let us know! Send us an email at info@thebiaproject.com. We’d love to hear from you!

Takeaways: 

• Cognitive labor is the process of anticipating your family’s needs, making decisions from available options, and managing household logistics 

• Women typically complete the majority of tasks that fall under “cognitive labor”, especially for planning and monitoring

• Cognitive labor is invisible, absolutely critical to your household’s successful functioning, and typically unrecognized 

• Women often suffer related feelings of stress, anxiety, and burnout as a result of this labor. 

Sources: 

[1] Daminger, A. (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122419859007

[2] Dean, L., Churchill, B., & Ruppanner, L. (2021). The mental load: building a deeper theoretical understanding of how cognitive and emotional labor overload women and mothers. Community, Work & Family, 25(1), 13–29. https://doi.org/10.1080/13668803.2021.2002813